To call somebody a narcissist these days is to put the hex on them, to give them a derogatory label akin to werewolf or Frankenstein or shrew. What is the inner world of somebody we call a narcissist, and what does this difficult state of being contain that we can learn exceedingly important lessons from?
Narcissism is a manifestation of the absence of perceived love and nurturing, and a deeply held belief that it isn't safe to depend on others. It is a state of profound suffering. When people feel this way they become a universe unto themselves because that is the only street they can walk down to feel okay. What frustrates us about people who suffer like this is that we can't get through to them, and we don't feel that they can perceive us accurately or connect with us deeply. And like all things we find difficult, there are pieces of ourselves floating around in the batter.
Several of the most important teachings of Zen are good medicine for the isolation and deep pain of the wounded narcissist (and all of us). Learning loving kindness for ourselves and letting others love us begins to heal deep wounds. Forgiveness for childhood caretakers awakens a compassionate heart. And most importantly, learning to depend on others opens the path to intimacy and feelings of belonging. Learning to bear witness to others, the act of making others significant, awakens feelings of connection and broadens our emotional repertoire.
Zen is a path of intimacy and inter-dependence. We all need each other. A psychologist summed it up simply by saying that 'love is risk'. One way I often know I'm close to my tender heart is when the face of fear comes to sit on my shoulder. I have learned to welcome the fear and then flow with gentle tenderness.
how many years
have we walked together
listening to footsteps
Beneath Narcissism
