Mistakes are ripe with possibility for cultivating wisdom and humility. They keep us from an inflated sense of ourselves. They are humbling. They also can trigger shame, guilt, and doubt, which are grist for development. A famous Zen saying is that practice itself is going from mistake to mistake, an endless tripping over yourself. Welcome to the school of human failure.
We like to believe our own press release, the story we tell ourselves about who we are. Our identity backpacks are filled with formulas for the ‘right way to be me’. Zazen lets us examine where our real face and our imagined face meet. Who are we if we aren't are story? Our mistakes are great teachers.
I am sometimes surprised as I go through the day how I trip over myself. Of course I have made some progress through the years, but trip I do. I find that the more alert I am to each moment, the more aware I am of the nuances of being with people. When I am with my kids and my voice rises in pitch and speeds up, my impatience raises their anxiety. When I talk too much without listening, a friend may feel unrecognized or unheard. This type of awareness is rooted in two things, the cultivated sense of the moment that comes with Zen practice, and the values of practice established in the paramitas, or virtuous actions such as patience, kindness, wisdom, vigor, and discipline.
I have found two effective things I can do with my mistakes. Foremost is not repeating them! This is the finest of apologies, for each corrected mistake becomes a benefit to all. The second is to apologize to whomever I have harmed, if appropriate and possible. ‘I’m sorry’ are important words and on equal footing with ‘Thank you”.
